| new Livejournal |
[14 Dec 2003|09:23pm] |
I got tired of this one so for sure my new livejournal is ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) thanasphere so add me, or something.
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[13 Dec 2003|11:52pm] |
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mood |
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 curious |
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yeah so i made a new lj...not sure if ill post on it or keep this one. check it out if you'de like too at thanasphere.
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[09 Dec 2003|05:38pm] |
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mood |
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 depressed |
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music |
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wait and bleed - slipknot |
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*shoots self in head, overdoses on marijuana, slits wrists open, hangs self by ceiling fan* i hope that did it.
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[06 Dec 2003|11:00pm] |
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mood |
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 ecstatic |
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i must say, tonight was one of the best nights of my life. and i cantstop smiling.
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[01 Dec 2003|08:41am] |
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mood |
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 sick |
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ugh, im really really sick. i dont feel sick but i have thrown up 5 times in two hours. ugh. i was supposed to go see sarah today after school. i guess i cant though. =(
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[24 Nov 2003|08:51pm] |
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mood |
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sad |
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music |
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stay with me - finch |
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eh, so im sad for her. im sad. and i cant stop thinking of her. so whats new?
"there's something in the air tonight,
something that makes me feel alive and i say,
what were the words that you said to me
that made me feel so special now?"
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[23 Nov 2003|12:13am] |
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mood |
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 lonely |
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what im thinking about:
1. uh, risk.
2. sarah and ashly, hoping they had fun on their trip.
3.er, death.
4.music, and how most of it sucks now-a-days.
5.my mom. she kind of hates me.
6.counterstrike and my clans first scrimage tomorrow, or today however you want to think about it.
7.professional help.
8. and nothing and everything at the same time.
yeah so today was very bad. this morning i fought with my mom, and she grounded me for losing a stupid paper. so i sort of ran away, and now she wont talk to me or anything, but whatever.
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| "breathing is a foreign task" |
[19 Nov 2003|09:16pm] |
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mood |
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ecstatic |
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music |
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the brilliant dance - dashboard confessionals |
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yeah so tonight i am really happy. i went to ashly's and chilled with her for a while, then when i got home sarah called me and we talked for a long time. im glad i met her, shes great and she makes me happy. yeah so im going to go play a game and hopefully this week will continue to get better.
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| "i choose to live" |
[18 Nov 2003|09:14pm] |
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mood |
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depressed |
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music |
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gravity - a perfect circle |
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lost again
broken and weary
unable to find my way
tail in hand
dizzy and clearly unable to
just let this go
I am surrendering to the gravity and the unknown
catch me heal me lift me back up to the sun
I choose to live
I fell again
like a baby unable to stand on my own
tail in hand
dizzy and clearly unable to just let this go
high and surrendering to the gravity and the unknown
catch me heal me lift me back up to the sun
I choose to live, I choose to live, I choose to live
catch me heal me lift me back up to the sun
help me survive the bottom
calm these hands before they
snare another pill and
drive another nail down another
bleeding needy hole
please release me
I am surrendering to the gravity and the unknown
catch me
heal me
lift me back up to the sun
I choose to live, I choose to live
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| if only this did happen |
[17 Nov 2003|06:47pm] |
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mood |
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sad |
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me : hey, want to start a mass ritual suicide movement with me?
him : sure
me : ok
me : how will we go? gun, poison, both? we could pull a hitler...
him : poison has already been a favorite of mine
me : i have an original idea...
him : lets hear it
me : i say we start a cult, get a bunch of followers, lead them to waco, texas and get them all to drink poisoned grape juice. wait...
him : thats not original
me : oh yeah
me : sorry
me : ok heres one:
him : we can think of something
me : we walk into a room with no windows and only one door. we lock the door and when we do, an automated pole with a semi-auto rifle on the end of it comes down and circles the room, thus killing everyone locked inside of said room.
him : thatd be interesting
me : word
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| fact of life part II |
[16 Nov 2003|09:20pm] |
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mood |
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disappointed |
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music |
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your so last summer - taking back sunday |
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dont rub a whole tube of carmex on your hands just because its sticky. carmex is waterproof so now i have sticky hands that smell like menthol.
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| "hate me now so I can move on" |
[16 Nov 2003|12:22pm] |
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mood |
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lonely |
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music |
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will you - pod |
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im not sure but i think i fucked up. im kind of depressed now. probably will go find some crude device to cut myself with.
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| "and he took his life" |
[15 Nov 2003|08:50am] |
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mood |
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 surprised |
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music |
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poetic tragedy - the used |
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suprisingly, these are some of the better lyrics i have heard in a while:
"the cup is not half empty as pescimists say
as far as he's sees nothings left in the cup
a whole cup full of nothing for him to induldge
since the voice of ambition has long since been shut up
a singer, a writer, he's not dreaming now of going nowhere
he gave heed to nothing, and all that he was
is just a tragedy
so he voyages in circles
succeeds getting nowhere
and submits to the substance
that first got him there
than in violent, frustration he cries out to God or just no one
is there a point to this madness and all that he was
is just a tragedy
he feels alone
his heart in his hand
he's alone
he feels alone
I feel...
then on that last day he breaks
and he stood tall
and he yelled... and he takes his life."
yeah so i thought they were cool.
last night we went to go see the play that sarah was in. it was pretty cool. i was very hungry throughout it though an my stomach kept making funny noises. oh well. my night got better on later that night though becasue sarah called me and we talked for almost an hour. it was cool. so anyway, today me and ryan are going to go to different stores with his video camera and tape each other do stupid things with merchandise.
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| more suicidal tendencies |
[11 Nov 2003|09:08pm] |
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mood |
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 blah |
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music |
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institutionalized - suicidal tendencies |
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Sometimes I try to do things, and it just don't turn out the way I wanted to
and I get real frustrated, it's like, I take my time and I try real hard, but
no matter what I do and no matter what I try it never works out, it's like I
concentrate on it real hard, but it never works out, it's like I need some
time to figure these things out, but there's always someone there going:
- Hey Mike, you know, we been noticing you've been having alot of problems
lately, you know, and like maybe you should talk about it, you'd feel alot
better.
And I go:
- No, it's ok, I now have some problems, I'll figure it out myself, just
leave me alone I'll figure it out.
And they go:
- Why don't you talk about it, you'll feel alot better?
And I go:
- No, I don't want to, just leave me alone, I'll figure it out myself!
And they keep on bugging me and it builds up inside, it builds up inside...
So you're gonna be institutionalized
You'll come out brainwashed with bloodshot eyes
You won't have any say
They'll brainwash you until you see their way
I'm not crazy - institutionalized
You're the one who's crazy - institutionalized
You're driving me crazy - institutionalized
They stuck me in an institution
Said it was the only solution
To give me the needed professional help
To protect me from the enemy, myself
I was sitting in my room, and I was like staring at the walls thinking about
everything but then again I was thinking about nothing, and then my mom came
in and I didn't notice she was there and she calls my name and I didn't hear
her and then she started screaming:
- Mike, Mike!
And I go:
- What, what's the matter?
She goes:
- What's the matter with you?
I say:
- Nothing mom.
She goes:
- Don't tell me nothing, you're on drugs!
I go:
- No mom, I'm not on drugs, I'm ok, I'm just thinking, you know, why don't
you get me a Pepsi?
She goes:
- No, you're on drugs, you're crazy, normal people won't be acting that way!
I go:
- Mom, I'm all right, I'm just thinking, you know, so why don't you, like
give me a Pepsi?
And she goes:
- No, you're crazy!
All I wanted was a Pepsi, just one Pepsi, and she wouldn't give it to me,
just one Pepsi.
They give you a white shirt with long sleeves
Tied around you're back, you're treated like thieves
Drug you up because they're lazy
It's too much work to help a crazy
I'm not crazy - institutionalized
You're the one who's crazy - institutionalized
You're driving me crazy - institutionalized
They stuck me in an institution
Said it was the only solution
To give me the needed professional help
To protect me from the enemy, myself
I was sitting in my room and my mom and my dad came in and they pulled up a
chair and they sat down, they go:
- Mike, we need to talk to you.
And I said:
- Okay, what's the matter?
They go:
- Well me and your mom, we been noticing lately you've been having alot of
problems, and you haven't been acting like yourself, and we're afraid that
you're going to hurt somebody, and we're afraid that you're gonna hurt
yourself, so we decided that it would be in your best interest if we put
you somewhere where you could get the help that you need...
And I said:
- Wait, what are we talking about?! We decided?! My best interest?! How can
you know, how can you say what my best interest is? What are you trying to
say? I'm crazy? When I went to your schools, I went to your churches, I
went to your institutional learning facilities. So how can you say that I'm
crazy?
They say they're gonna fix my brain
Alleviate my suffering and my pain
But by the time they fix my head
Mentally I'll be dead
I'm not crazy - institutionalized
You're the one who's crazy - institutionalized
You're driving me crazy - institutionalized
They stuck me in an institution
Said it was the only solution
To give me the needed professional help
To protect me from the enemy, myself
It doesn't matter how's this childs play planned to turn out anyhow.
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| word |
[11 Nov 2003|08:31pm] |
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mood |
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curious |
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hey is anyone going to the atari's concert? leave me a comment.
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| "they were right about you" |
[10 Nov 2003|04:44pm] |
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mood |
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 mellow |
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music |
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hands down - dashboard confessionals |
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yeah i know i haven't updated in a long time (im sure you missed me) but i decided to finally do it. yeah so not that much shit has happened. just same old same old. i met ashly's friend sarah though and thats really cool. she's really cool in all aspects of life. yeah on a depressing note kayla might be moving away. that sucks. she needs to stay. yeah i dont know what else to put so im just going to go.
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| pain and hate are all i find |
[13 Oct 2003|09:37pm] |
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mood |
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 contemplative |
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music |
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how will i laugh tomorrow - suicidal tendencies |
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Here I sit and watch my world come crumbling down
I cry for help but no one's around
Silently screaming I bang my head against the wall
It seems like no one cares at all
Always an emotion, but how can I explain
How can I explain
Kind of like the scent of a rose
With words I can't explain
The same with my pain
Caught up in emotion-Goes over my head
Goes over my head
Sometimes I got to think to myself is this life or death
Am I living or am I dead
The clock keeps ticking but nothing else seems to change
Problems never solved, just rearranged
And when I think about all the times that I've had
So few good-So many bad
I search for personality and I look for things I can not see
Love and peace flash through my mind
Pain and hate are all I find
Find no hope in nothing new
Never had a dream that came true
Lies and hate and agony
Through my eyes that's all I see
If I'm gonna cry
Will you wipe away my tears?
If I'm gonna die
Lord please take away my fear
Before I drown in sorrow
Last thing that I'll say
How will I laugh tommorow
If I can't even smile today?
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| a "you and i" without me |
[01 Oct 2003|11:48pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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lonely |
] |
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music |
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i want to hear you sad - the early november |
] |
man life is falling apart before my very eyes. im looking at my life and its not what it used to be. i feel all alone now. my family has basically disowned me and my friend dont really seem like my friends anymore. ryans got ashly, brads got kayla, taylors got amy, and me and zach dont really hang out anymore.i just kind of do my own thing now. it really sucks too cause ive been very depressed recently, like to the point of thinking of doing stupid things that i know would fuck up my life even more, and i dont feel like i have anyone to talk about it too. im really beginning to push my life away from god cause i blame him for everything that happens to me.im not sure how to go about that.i dont know who to talk to about this kind of stuff....
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| good sayings |
[28 Sep 2003|11:02pm] |
I’m worse at what I do best
And for this gift I feel blessed
Our little group has always been
And always will until the end
And I forget
Just what it takes
And yet I guess it makes me smile
I found it hard
Its hard to find
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